


Don't Say Farewell to Me Yet

by AgeOfTonyJunior



Series: Taking Care of the Both of You [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, Rating: G - Freeform, Steve Needs a Hug, mention of adoption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 02:52:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17820419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgeOfTonyJunior/pseuds/AgeOfTonyJunior
Summary: Steve is reeling from the events of the battle of Wakanda. He travels back home to the compound and finds a message from Tony. It breaks his heart but also lets him know what Tony needs.A requested sequel to Drifting in the Galaxies of your Eyes





	Don't Say Farewell to Me Yet

_Oh, God._

_Oh, God._

_Oh, God._

It's all Steve can think and he wished that he could stop thinking for a fraction of a second. He lost, they lost. They're all gone. T'Challa, Sam, Bucky. God, Bucky. How cruel was the universe he lived in that he had to lose his best friend over and over and over again?

He lifted his head from his knees and looked at the dust-ridden field around him. The others have long since left but he couldn't will his legs to move after they gave out from under him when Thor couldn't answer his questions.

They were shaken to their very foundation, and he couldn't even find it within him to feel ashamed for crumbling in front of them. Hadn't he suffered enough?

His hand drifted from atop his knee and splayed on the Wakandan dirt next to him; the very same dirt that was now mixed with the remains of his friend, his brother, Bucky.

**_Steve?_ **

He hadn't even gotten the chance to say anything else before he was taken away. Steve couldn't even make it to his side in time.

Suddenly, his chest felt tight and he couldn't stand being in this forest where so many died. He sprung to his feet and began running and didn't stop until he had made it inside the hangar of the royal castle. He got inside one of the jets and took off, heading to the only other place that ever brought him peace; the Avengers compound.

 

His flight was long, even with the advanced Wakandan technology and autopilot. His heart ached to be somewhere familiar when the last of what he considered stable in his world was taken away. The compound can give him that. It was his home. He wished he could still call it that, but he hasn't been able to since..

Steve squeezed his eyes shut and tried to push those thoughts away. The last thing he wanted was to drag a knife through his old wounds that have begun to heal at last. The last thing he needed was to think about who gave him access to the compound and allowed him to call it home. The last thing he couldn't allow himself to remember were the memories he shared there. The absolute last thing he couldn't bear was the thought of _him_.

The image of shards of glass and red and gold made its way behind his eyelids and Steve forced his eyes wide open. "No."

That's not how he wants to remember the one he loved like no other; hurt by his own hands, the same hands he trusted to hold him and care for him. Steve failed him like he's never been failed before. And so many have failed him in his life, from those he didn't know, to the ones he trusted the most. None have failed him and let him down the way Steve shattered Tony's heart, both figuratively and literally.

"Tony." The name shaped its way on Steve's lips out of habit and it nearly crushed his chest. He hadn't allowed himself to think the name and now he had. He knew there would be consequences as the dam holding everything he didn't want to remember came crashing over him.

His smile, his perfectly manicured hands, the way he moved, the way he spoke, the way his eyes travelled a thousand years into the future when he got an idea, even the way he overworked himself to come up with the prototype for his ingenious new idea.

His scent, the smirk he only directed Steve's way, the way he got what he wanted every time. His arms around him, the look over his shoulder with narrowed eyes that spoke volumes, the way he waited for Steve, the way he blushed when he was sincere.

The way he asked if they could adopt a baby boy.

The way he'd kissed him when he'd said yes.

The way he was himself, no shame.

_Him._

_His Tony._

Steve hadn't realized that the autopilot had landed the jet in the field surrounding the compound. Nor did he realize that his mustache and beard were damp from his tears. He looked out at the large building and felt his heart constrict. Maybe coming here wasn't a good idea. It was certainly better than staying where the dead were.

He disengaged the seatbelts and summoned the strength to exit the jet. The compound was empty, so that wasn't why he was weary. He was weary because he was about to be flooded with another wave from behind the broken dam. He took a deep breath, squared his shoulders and made his way inside.

 

He spent hours in the bathroom. He scrubbed his skin raw and he still couldn't get the flecks of blood and dust off it. He hadn't even bothered with cleaning his uniform, just discarded it in the corner of the bathroom behind the door. He made some progress and eventually willed himself to part with the comfort of the hot water.

He realized when he went to fetch something to wear that Tony hadn't cleared out his room and a smile painted its way onto his lips. The man's generosity was bigger than life. He caught his reflection as he dressed and it drew his attention. The length of his hair and his facial hair were an attempt at a cover when he was on the run. He wasn't on the run anymore. He nodded at the fatigued figure that stared back at him.

He didn't feel any different once he was surrounded by the hair he'd cut off and the smooth skin under his fingertips. He was just, tired.

His bed was calling to him, every muscle ready to succumb to sleep but he couldn't allow himself to lay on that bed again. This bed is the same one he made love to Tony last in. He'd bared his heart to him surrounded by these sheets. He'd let it slip out of him that he felt something was wrong. He had his last kiss from Tony's lips the morning after before their lives went to hell.

No, Steve could not sleep in his bed.

With shaky legs, he made his way to Tony's room and climbed into his bed, surrounded himself with his scent and prayed that the lull of sleep takes over him.

 

Steve didn't dream and he was grateful. He was having enough of a difficult time keeping the thoughts out of his mind while he was conscious, this was a rare gift. He didn't know how long he was asleep for, but he felt rested, and a little hungry but that can wait.

He hadn't looked around the room when he'd come in, but now that he had, he noticed how vastly different it was. Tony must've redecorated since.. He too must have wanted to bury some memories.

Around the room were the futuristic looking items that were of Tony's liking. That was usual, what wasn't was the lack of Captain America memorabilia that Tony loved so much. It didn't come as that big of a surprise to Steve. That was the way Tony chose to cope.

His attention was caught by a shelf against the wall beside the door. It was full of little things that Tony found either interesting or precious. Steve remembered most of them, but they weren't arranged in the way they were now. There were a few new additions: a small teddy bear, the BARF glasses, a piece of paper with mathematical equations, a small mannequin wearing a black and red tracksuit, and an Iron Man helmet.

The last item was strange as Tony usually kept all armour gear in his workshop. It was also in pristine condition, as if it had never seen battle. It was beautiful, same as everything Tony created. Steve reached out to pick it up to examine it from a different angle when its eye slits suddenly lit up.

Steve flinched automatically but was careful not to drop the helmet as it began scanning him. His eyebrows knit together just the voice of Tony's AI sounded. "Match confirmed. Captain Steven Rogers. There's a message for you from Tony Stark."

Simultaneously, Steve felt his heart drop to his knees and jump up into his throat. A message from Tony for him? That must mean that Tony is safe. He could feel his lips begin to turn upwards into a smile. He'd wanted to not think about Tony at all because of raw wounds that still hung untreated between them, but he hadn't allowed himself to think about what could've happened to him. Not since Bruce mentioned that he boarded the alien space ship.

It wasn't because he didn't care; it was because he cared too much. He still had obligations and duties to fulfil, for himself and for everyone counting on him. If he'd allowed himself to breach the edge into that line of thought, he'd be compromised. Tony means the world to him, had meant it before their fight and had meant it even more after. Perhaps that was another reason why he hadn't allowed himself to wonder, because he'd know if anything happened to Tony.

With barely still hands, Steve raised the helmet closer to his face and pressed his forehead to its cool metallic one. A tiny smile of hope itched onto his lips. "I'm ready to listen." He said in a hoarse voice as the sound of Tony's inhale of breath filled the room.

 

**_"Hey Cap. Steve. If you find this message, don't be upset. Part of the journey is the end. I just wished that mine would be with you. Wrapped up in the comfort of your arms, looking up at you and memorizing every detail of your face as my time came._ **

**_There's so much that I should tell you, so much that I owe you, and so much more that I need to apologize for. I was wrong. I was so wrong, Steve. Wrong to ever think that I could this without you. Wrong to ever allow myself to believe that I'll be okay with the Avengers split. Wrong to ever let you walk away with Barnes when you did._ **

**_But my biggest mistake was not calling you. I don't even know if you knew but I held onto that phone from the second it arrived in the mail. I took it everywhere with me. It was, in so many ways, my lifeline. Even if I never could bring myself to call you, I knew, I always knew you'd be there for me when I did call. You'd be you, amazing, forgiving, you, and you'd come for me because I messed up. Again._ **

**_Honey, I'm so sorry. My time is coming and my mind is everywhere but I can't help but think of you and Jackie. And it just makes me believe to my core how much I've wronged you and how much I've wrong us. I don't know.._ **

**_..if you're breathing, I hope to whatever deity that's listening that you are, but I just have to let you know all of this. And I want you to do one last thing for me, baby. That's me, Tony Stark, always demanding so much of you. But you never let me down, not once. I know you won't._ **

**_You fought hard and you probably lost just as much as I did, but it's far from over. The Avengers don't give up. Thanos is still out there and he still has the damn stones. I won't make it but you're there. I don't know who's left but you can lead them. You can make this right. I know I'm asking too much of you, I always do._ **

**_But if anyone, anywhere, can right our wrongs, it's you. You are more than capable and you are just the man that can kick that purple titan down a notch or two. And when you've succeeded, when you've made him pay for everything he's done to us, I still have one more favour to ask of you. But I think you'll appreciate this one a lot more._ **

**_Find Jackie. He needs you, just like I need you. just like the whole world needs you. But you would've saved the world. So, retire, adopt Jackie, raise him like a superstar. He can be Jack Rogers, he doesn't have to have my name if you prefer it that way._ **

**_Just, please Steve, make sure he gets to live a good life. With you. You'll be an incredible father; it's just who you are. My single greatest regret is that I won't get to see how good you will be to him. You know how I fell in love with him the second I laid my eyes on him. Same with you, you patriotic hunk of muscle wrapped in an American flag._ **

**_I'm so sorry Steve. I wish you the best of luck. And I love you so much, so much more than I'll ever be able to tell you. But it's time. When I drift off, I will dream about you. It's always you."_ **

 

"Tony.." Steve breathed, unaware that he's on his knees on the ground. He'd sunk down to his knees hard enough to have hurt them if he were still the way he was born, and he hadn't realized. He sobbed, and only then did he become aware of the tears streaking his cheeks. He hadn't noticed that he'd been crying as well. "Oh, God." He gasped as another sob shook his shoulders.

Steve didn't know what to feel. Tony is alive and he's ecstatic about that, yet, he left him a goodbye message apologizing for things he didn't need to apologize for. He shook his head. He will not accept Tony's surrender. Because that's simply what it was. He can't sit idle and wait for things to somehow get worse. That's not what Tony does. Tony bends the situation to fit his needs, so Steve was finding it incredibly harrowing that he'd send him that message.

He made the mistake of imaging Tony as he recorded the message and shuddered. Tony does not accept defeat. And Steve refrains from idea that Tony will succumb to his situation. But he didn't even know what his situation was. A few terrifying scenarios crossed his mind and he winced, turning over onto his side and curling in on himself.

He pushed his knees up to his chest as much as he was able and hugged Tony's helmet close to his chest. Even in his farewell message, his voice was soothing, and Steve could not decide whether Tony was soothing himself or Steve. He hugged the helmet closer, desperately wanting it to be Tony. He wanted to be able to comfort him from whatever was bothering him, curl up behind him and trace the veins of his forearm and tell him that whatever it is, they can face it together.

Steve could not control his tears as they returned at full force and streamed down his cheeks, pooling in the sleeve of his shirt. Tony's thoughts were of him and Jackie. Jackie, whom they never got to bring into their family. He was Tony's dream, and he became Steve's the second Tony asked if they could adopt him. He stopped dreaming about having a family long ago, but Tony pulled him into it and he couldn't have been more excited.

Now Jackie was alone and Tony wanted Steve to find him. But Tony was alone too and Steve couldn't not do anything to help him. Tony had said it: he'll be there for him. But where would he even begin? He was alone, the rest of the team was in Wakanda and didn't even know where he was. Where would he look? Tony was on an alien space ship; he could've gone to an alien planet or was lost in space, nobody knew. And there was the threat of Thanos looming over the horizon still.

Steve was shaking. He didn't know what to do. Should he tell the team about Tony and go looking for him? Should he check on Jackie? Should he do what Tony said and take Thanos down a notch before all else? He didn't know. Right now he needed Tony more than he ever did. He couldn't make the tough choices all on his own. He wasn't strong enough, and that was hardly a weakness. He's stronger with Tony by his side.

Tony, who went out of his way to send a message to Steve to let him know his status, who practically gave him instructions on what he wanted him to do if..

Steve shook his head. That will not happen. Tony will make it out of his predicament and he'll be the one to show Thanos that he picked on the wrong guy. But Tony was clear about Jackie. It was obvious to Steve that he missed him, that Tony wanted nothing more than to be holding the baby boy in his arms and rocking him to a sound sleep.

Steve's heart ached for him. He should've been able to adopt Jackie, even without himself. He was Tony's dream after all. And Jackie could've used a father who'd be as loving and caring as Tony undoubtedly would've been. Steve wished he could do that for him, give him another chance to fulfill his dream.

A sudden spark of pure joy flooded Steve's chest. Maybe he can give Tony this one thing that he desired more than any other. Hastily wiping at his cheeks, Steve willed himself off the floor, helmet in the crook of his elbow. He stepped forward towards the shelf and gave the helmet a kiss on the forehead before he returned it to its place.

He had work to do. He needed to check on Jackie and make sure he's all right so that when Tony came back, he can adopt him. He believed that Tony will come back. Because he came back time and time again. Afghanistan, the wormhole in the sky over New York, Siberia. Steve bit his lip to bite back the unpleasant memories. Tony always came back. Why should this time be any different?

 

Steve made his way to the adoption agency where he and Tony first met Jackie on foot. He was drained of all his enthusiasm once he looked outside. He was reminded of all the people he saw turn to dust before his eyes, and his dark mind decided to include Jackie in that group. Suddenly, he didn't want to check up on him anymore for fear that he let him down; him and Tony.

Once he was standing outside the entrance, he had to remind himself that this was because of Tony. That he was going to return to earth and he'd want to know how his baby Jackie is doing. It was for them that Steve took a deep breath in to steady himself and made his way inside.

He was greeted with a terse smile that he could not bring himself to return. The social worker there could hardly hold it against him when she appeared to have been through hell herself. It clicked for Steve then, that she must've seen someone vanish into dust. He felt his body go limp.

Thankfully, she recognized him and lead him to see Jackie right away, promptly dousing all his fear. He sighed when his eyes landed on the young boy. He approached him with heavy feet as tears began stinging his eyes. "Oh Jackie." He gasped as he reached into the crib and pulled him into his arms.

He held him close to his chest, breathing in his scent, and placed a tender kiss to his forehead. He was sobbing so much that he wasn't capable of forming words anymore. But once again, the social worker seemed to understand him as she touched his forearm sympathetically and left him with the baby boy.

Tony would've wanted to hold him, just the way he had the first time. He'd spent a long time with him that they had to be asked to leave. They laughed it off and promised to be back later. Only, Steve never imagined that he'd come back on his own. He swiped his index finger under his eye to catch a tear before it splashed onto Jackie's blankets.

Steve wished he was in possession of the Time Stone as this moment, because he wanted it to last forever. Holding Jackie in his arms, he could pretend that he's bringing him home to surprise Tony with. Or he could turn back time and make sure they do this right the first time and avoid the heartbreak that happened between them.

Maybe when this is all over, he can do that. Once he's defeated Thanos like Tony wants him to. Once they've defeated him together. They will adopt Jackie and they'll retire and be happy, but he'd still like to explore the outcomes of their different choices.

 

He spent a long time with Jackie. He'd nodded off in the chair he was sitting in and was woken by him trying to grab for his nose. He smiled and kissed his little hand. He kissed his forehead as well and stood up to return him to his crib. Jackie whined, protesting the loss of contact and making Steve wish he could take him home right away. "I'll be back." He promised as he turned around to leave.

Outside on the street, Steve wiped away at his cheeks again though it was useless. His cheeks were covered in streaks of dried tears. He vaguely noted that he should probably drink some water and that led him to remember his hunger. All of which seem irrelevant in the face of what he was feeling.

With a huff, he faced the direction of the street leading towards the compound and took the first step when something black and red caught his attention. The figure was across the street in the park and they were doing a good job of hiding themselves. If it weren't for the sudden twitch they'd made, they would've remained hidden.

Steve looked harder, training his eyes on the figure to realize that it is a man. He was wearing a black tracksuit with red stripes and something blue on the chest. It seemed familiar to Steve and he concentrated on identifying how it's familiar. It took him a minute to recognize the tracksuit as identical to the one the mannequin on Tony's shelf was wearing.

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "Could it be?" He proceeded towards the man who didn't appear to be moving away. Steve kept his distance but the man turned and looked at him and was quickly running away. Steve was sure he saw the shine of metal around his eyes. He couldn't help the small hopeful smile that made its way onto his face.

He looked over his shoulder at the adoption agency and his theory was met with further proof. He took a deep breath in and squared his shoulders. If he's right, they have work to do, and it won't be easy. At least he'll have him by his side, if he forgives him.

Steve nearly ran back to the compound. His body was covered in new wounds left by those taken by the mad titan, his soul was stretched wide across time, his heart was constantly poked by shards of glass, but he was closer to finding the balm that can heal it all. It smells like baby powder and motor oil.


End file.
